Travel Diary: My Matatu Ride Tattletale


Do I like bus/Matatu rides? Aside from being confined in a moving vessel and lets not forget that you are riding with a bunch of strangers who are conversing loudly in all kinds of manner or just quiet waiting to get to wherever they are going. Do I cringe if somebody sneezes or coughs as I imagine he/she could be ailing from some disease caused by some virus that is incurable and am about to get infected?

Let me put it this way, I like to get into a bus/matatu, sit and shut the hell up until I get to my destination. If you happen to be the social extrovert seated next to me, I am not your specimen for trying out your prowess on how best or quick you can make a stranger you just met pour her heart out to you. The only exception is when I have boarded the vehicle with someone I REALLY know. If I happen to find you inside and I DO KNOW you, then it will be small talk for a few minutes and then zip! I value my peace during my rides to wherever but that is not always the case as I always have this streak of bad luck that finds me mostly seated next to an idiot.

Not so long ago, I leave the office and make a mad dash to board a mat in a bid to safe myself from the rain that is threatening to pour and the traffic that would follow suit. I find a seat next to a window and I am joined by this dude who probably decided he's had enough of bending like a woman weeding her shamba while cleaning his crib and has bought himself a mop. We begin our journey and as you can imagine, the mop stick is all over me every time the vehicle swerves or goes through a bump. I somehow manage to ignore the disturbance up until the guy decides to flatulence loudly. For those who do not know what I mean Flatulence is the expulsion through the rectum of a mixture of gases that are byproducts of the digestion process of mammals and other animals (commonly known as Fart but I didn't want to be vulgar). Lets not get to the part of describing the stench but I have never smelt anything as repulsive, horrid, foul, vile, abhorrent before! I turn and give him a murderous look but he seems unmoved by it. I quickly cover my nose with one hand and try opening the window with the other but the window wont yield.

I try again this time applying some more force but it still wont open. I decide to do the unimaginable. I uncover my nose and use both hands to nudge the window to open and this time its a success. Unfortunately, due to the force I have been applying, one hand snaps back and finds its way to my neighbour's chest landing with a thud. At first I freeze expecting him to return the favour but he doesn't. I look his way curiously and find him, though looking annoyed, he isn't moving. I relax and even console myself that it serves him right for publicly emitting some gas that could comfortably be used in the gas chambers to execute convicts or as a bomb.

So the window is open, crisp clean, cool and fresh air is seeping through it and I am almost enjoying the LG (Life's Good) moment. Suddenly, I feel something spatter and trickle down my legs. I look down and before I can even make out my legs, another spray of "I don't know what yet" splashes on my legs. I begin to panic and lift my legs and lets out a scream when I discover what it is. Vomit! Somebody is vomiting and she is seated right at the seat in front of me! The other passengers are now causing a commotion as no one wants the vomit to splash their way and this makes the driver curious and I guess he looks behind. He regrets the move as the vehicles veers and plunges into a ditch. Perfect! This is just perfect! I cannot believe the turn of events and breathing in heavily is not helping. Eventually we are ordered out as the vehicle is stuck and has to be lifted out of the ditch. It is now already pouring heavily outside and I decide to stay put to clean the mess that has been made on my legs and on my six inch heels. The vehicle is finally on the road thanks to the passengers who are now soaked and trembling from the wetness and cold.

I finally get to my destination and almost alight from the vehicle while still in motion. I cannot believe how much I welcome the exterior and do not even notice the rain pounding on my head as I make my way home, yes home sweet, warm home.

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