Of Bubbly, Mushy, Fuzzy and Other Feelings

We claim to be in love or to love someone but how do we know when we have found love or how do we define this emotion that we would travel to the end of the world just to find it?  We sometimes ditch perfectly good relationships in the hopes of finding more of it or spend the majority of time thinking about, striving, praying, hoping, fantasizing for and yes, even seeing shrinks to affirm that you are probably about to get your wish fulfilled.  

So how do we know for certain that we have it?"  Is it when we experience that initial rush of lust and excitement, the butterflies-in-our-stomach feeling that happens just at the mere sound of our lover's voice, the trembling and breathless moment when we think about him/her, or when we can’t seem to think straight because our lover is occupying more than half of our thoughts? We also know that these feelings come and go and sometimes we ask ourselves if we are still in love when the feeling goes.  

Love and being in love are actually two different things. Being in love is a feeling, feelings that have the emotions described above. The feelings are not always necessarily positive as sometimes we can feel hatred, frustrated, disappointed towards the person we love and the intensity of it will depend on how deep we are in love. Loving is the action that comes with loving that person whether you think they deserve it or not and not expecting any medal for it. Love is a choice that we make, fate and destiny will provide the opportunity, perhaps even the initial encounter, but the outcome is always our choice.

The way we love also changes as we mature. Our first love tends to be the most powerful. For example, think about the time you fell in love for the very first time. The one person that made you feel complete and whole just being in their presence.  The one that you never questioned was the right one for you because you simply "knew" they were.  Most likely this is the one who started the whole fireworks thing.  This is the one whom you set your expectations so high. The one who consumed you and everything else in its way, and it felt so good.  Yet with it came your first heartache, and how gut-wrenching and life consuming it was.  This is the time that is the beginning of the end of our loving in a natural and unencumbered way.

Unfortunately, our first love permanently alters the way we love thereafter as we embark on finding the same feeling in a new love. We may seem not to find it as we now love differently, perhaps more hesitantly and can’t seem to be vulnerable and open like we were before.  Does that mean we love our new love any less?  I don't believe so.  We just love them differently.  Just because it doesn't feel as powerful, doesn't mean it isn't.  Perhaps through the wisdom of our first love we learn that we would rather be more cautious. 

Loving someone is never supposed to be a game that you decide to play because you are lonely or bored. I know we have strengths, weaknesses and shortcomings, a bit of baggage in tow but I also believe that if you stay with someone simply for security and familiarity, then you may always feel like you have settled for less than what you could have had and that is not a feeling you would like to live with. At no given time is love supposed to cause more pain than happiness.  You also have to learn to differentiate when your hormones are going wacky and when you actually love someone. If you respect them as a human being and how they try to live their lives, if when you think of "home" you think of them, when you need a soft place to fall, you know they will try their best to be there for you.  Then, you just might be onto something valuable.

All in all, I believe that love is always worth the risk, and if you don't give love, you might as well not complain if the receiving is not nearly as fun.  I also believe that in the end, living a loving life is really the only thing that matters.  I believe that being in love is very simple but people tend to make it complicated.  For those of you who are currently in a relationship, appreciate the fact that you have someone who loves you and work each day to love them more, instead of looking for reasons to love them less.For those of you who aren't in a relationship, love is random. Quit frantically searching for it, it will find you and especially when you least expect it.

Love often and openly, do not try to harm that gift of such intense emotion by looking for imperfections. Appreciate it, nurture it and above all share it. Don't allow yourself to upset the apple cart just because the grass may be greener somewhere else.  Quite often that's only an illusion anyway.